April 27, 2012
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Neighborhood Watch

Followers of my Twitter and Facebook know the drama my next door neighbors have brought over the past year and a half. The latest developments include elderly Puerto Rican neighbors who hate my dog and claim that I don’t clean up after her enough. Additionally, they just planted a bush right on my property line without informing me and Remy dug it up before I noticed.

Late yesterday, however, I spoke to their daughter on the phone who was very understanding and complimentary and I thought the situation was resolved.

However, new developments today. I was mowing the deep backyard and I saw the elderly woman come out and start to look at the plant. She reacted as if it was the first time she saw the plant and kept throwing her arms in the air. I glanced down and we made eye contact, she held up a twig (that I assume was once part of this bush) and pointed at me. “You! Careful!”

I nodded and held up the ok symbol and then a thumbs up. We were about 30 yards away from one another so there wasn’t much more I could do at the time, so I started the mower up and continued.

A few minutes later I looked back down and she is now standing out there with her husband. They’re standing with their hands on their hips around the plant talking with each other. I glance down again and I hear one of them shout “HEY!”

I ignore them and after a few more minutes they go inside.

I finish mowing the grass and adjust Remy’s two leashes and make sure they can’t reach the bush. I’m disappointed because this shortens one of her leashes so she can no longer go up to the top of the steps which she did frequently on it and I may still adjust it later but as for now, neither leash can reach the bush or their yard. Again, I assume the issue is resolved.

I’m washing the mower off in front of my garage when neighbor across the street is at her back fence saying “Hey! I need to ask you something!”

I think maybe she is going to ask me to mow the small stretch of overgrown grass by her fence but instead we proceed to have the following conversation (transcribed to best of memory)

NEIGHBOR: So, do you know your neighbors? (motions to the house next door)
ME: Well, yeah, absolutely. If this is about the bush I–
NEIGHBOR: Yea, well, I just was visiting with them earlier today and… you have to understand she doesn’t speak the language well, she has been here for 14 years, she didn’t want to come here.
ME: Ok…
NEIGHBOR: Yeah, her husband did, but anyway, the smell from your dog going to the bathroom… their kitchen window is right there.
ME: I know. We’ve talked about this a couple of times now. I’ve adjusted her leash, I clean up regularly, twice a week, It’s just sort of unfortunate the way the house is arranged and how close it is…
NEIGHBOR: I’m sure you try your best, but I understand you probably work all day, you come home and you just want to relax, sometimes you aren’t able to keep up with it…
ME: No. That’s not it at all. I keep up with it very well. There was one situation last summer where I had strep throat for a week where I wasn’t able to and they called the police.
NEIGHBOR: Well, she is just self conscious about speaking English. You weren’t in trouble, she didn’t want you to get in trouble.
ME: I wasn’t. But even if she came out and simply used hand gestures, it would’ve been fine if they just spoke to me directly.
NEIGHBOR: Well if you want to talk to them, you can come speak to me and I’ll pass it on.
ME: I don’t think that is necessary. I have no issue talking to them. The only reason I wrote a note was it was 6:30 in the morning and I didn’t want to wake them up.
NEIGHBOR: They didn’t think the note was a good gesture, I don’t believe they understood it because they don’t speak the language…
ME: The daughter said it was fine and I had assumed she spoke with them and it was resolved.
NEIGHBOR: Oh, she did, she did. I’m just saying that sometimes people forget about cleaning up after their pet, I know I do, and I just didn’t know if you were aware of the issue.
ME: I’m very aware and I don’t forget. I know it’s important to them and every time it’s brought up to me I explain that I’m doing everything possible. I’ve adjusted the leashes, everything is clean, she has a run the entire backyard and I take her for daily walks. Short of following her out and picking up after her every time, which I think is unreasonable to ask, I’m doing what I can. I didn’t even see the plant until after my dog dug it up and I gave them money to reimburse it.
NEIGHBOR: Yes, she told me. They said they’re thinking of planting several more to help cover up the smell.
ME: I don’t think those small bushes are going to stop any type of smell, I mean, it’s airborne, It’s going to blow right over them if there is. I discussed the idea of putting up a fence.
NEIGHBOR: Oh, yes, maybe a fence would work. I can tell them you are going to do that.
ME: Well, I was considering it. If they want to help pay for half or something, and have any preference on type I’d be open to hear it.
NEIGHBOR: Well, finances are tight. They’re both on social security. I don’t think they can afford fencing.
ME: Ok. Well, at this point I’ve done all I can do, if there are additional things they want or think can be done, I’m happy to hear it.
NEIGHBOR: Ok, well, I’m a peacekeeper and I just want to maintain the peace between neighbors.
ME: I don’t think we’re at war, I think there just have been miscommunication or lack there-of.
NEIGHBOR: Well, if you can try a bit harder as a personal favor to me I’d appreciate it.
ME: Ok…
NEIGHBOR: THANKS! (Walks away)

Her tone the entire conversation was condescending and not really listening to my responses. So anyway, the fence might be back on.

Category: House |
April 24, 2012
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Ryan’s Book Emporium

My housemate Ryan and I were walking up to a house dressed in suits. We both had briefcases with us and were ready to make a sale. Before we get to the porch though, Ryan stops me.

“Let me have this one,” he says. A confidence in his eye convinced me that it was the right call. I nodded and gestured my hand for him to take the lead.

Clearing his throat, Ryan rings the bell and adjusts his posture awaiting to make his pitch.

An older man answers the door and Ryan begins his pitch, I couldn’t hear him but was impressed with his enthusiasm. Finally, the old man said he wasn’t interested in buying any books. He didn’t enjoy reading and the book was too heavy to hold.

As he was closing the door, Ryan put his hand up against it stopping him.

“What if I told you, you could get all the stories and adventures of books but by watching it instead?”

This intrigued the man, such a concept seemed foreign to him and he opened the door wider again. As Ryan completed his pitch and shook the man’s hand completing the sale, I was in awe because I knew these were just DVDs/Movies but nobody else seemed to understand the concept.

Flash forward quickly and I’m walking into a large brick building named “Ryan’s Book Emporium.” Inside the two story open floor complex has books all around the outside walls and several stations with “book monitoring stations” and “book listening stations” all indicated with large symbols of an eye or an ear. The regular book areas had two hands holding an open book.

I notice Ryan in the middle of the bottom floor smoking a cigar and wearing a finely tailored suit. I approach him and he greets me as if he was expecting me.

“What do you think?” He proclaims as he spreads his arms and spins around.

“Very successful… so what’s next?” I ask.

He motions for me to lean in close and glances around for anyone listening and then he says, “Books you can eat.”

I give him a confused look and say, “What?”

“Think about it,” he explains. “I’ve mastered all the other senses the only ones left are taste and smell. I will have those as well.”

I think for a moment and nod my head, I suppose it makes sense. I change the subject.

“So what are you going to do with all your money?”

He leans in again with a sly smile and replies, “Robots.”

***

The screen goes black and credits begin to roll. The camera pans out with Ryan and I sitting on our couch after just witnessing the before mentioned story play out.

I turn to him, “So? What did you think?”

He thinks for a moment and says, “I just don’t think it is very believable.”

Category: Dreams |
April 18, 2012
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Way Too Early Bills Schedule Analysis

We all have no idea what a lot of these teams’ rosters are going to even look like but I’m going to throw a quick analysis of the Bills upcoming schedule and predictions.

Week 1 – WIN at the New York Jets (1-0)

I hesitated briefly and wanted to nail this as a loss. The Jets have had a circus of Tebow/Sanchez offseason drama and a lot of eyes will be on this game to see how he is used. The Jets usually have Buffalo’s number and swept us last year but the Bills have a brand new pass rush and they’ll be (hopefully) healthy.

Week 2 – WIN vs the Kansas City Chiefs (2-0)

Buffalo crushed Kansas City to open up last season and have beat them regularly over the past decade. Buffalo is 3-1 in their last four home openers.

Week 3 – WIN at Cleveland Browns (3-0)

The Browns are the front runners for a top three pick next draft. And Buffalo is once again flying high with a hot start.

Week 4 – LOSS vs New England Patriots (3-1)

Last year’s win against the Patriots was one of the biggest wins for Buffalo in recent memory and it’s a similar situation with Buffalo undefeated and ready to prove they’re for real. The Bills will be taken seriously in this game and New England won’t be surprised but It’ll be a long time before they’re favored in these matches.

Week 5 – LOSS at San Francisco 49ers (3-2)

A west coast trip against one of the best defenses in the league (at least last year) right after, what’s sure to be, an emotional battle against division rivals is going to make this one of the most difficult matchups of the season.

Week 6 – LOSS at Arizona Cardinals (3-3)

A very winnable game for Buffalo but back-to-back road trips and a very physical 49ers game set up for this game to slip away. Plus, the Cardinals finished an impressive 7-2 last season and will have an extra three days of rest playing Thursday night the week before.

Week 7 – WIN vs Tennessee Titans (4-3)

Home sweet home welcomes the Bills and gets to Titans starter Jake Locker early and often.

WEEK 8 BYE

Week 9 – WIN at Houston Texans (5-3)

Mario Williams claims this is just another game but he’s excited to play against his old team and will hype teammates accordingly. This big win against a potential division winner will renew playoff hopes for fans.

Week 10 – LOSS at New England Patriots (5-4)

Another tough game and another loss throws a bucket of water on fans optimism. Plus, for another season, the Patriots get their bye week right before facing Buffalo which occurred in ’04, ’05, ’06 and ’07.

Week 11 – WIN vs Miami Dolphins (6-4) *THURSDAY NIGHT*

A primetime rivalry game at home? Plus after a laughable offseason for Miami according to the media, they may also be looking at a top 10 pick in next year’s draft.

Week 12 – WIN at Indianapolis Colts (7-4)

Strange to be excited to see the Colts on the schedule but unless Andrew Luck is a demigod, the Colts won’t be competitive at this point in the season.

Week 13 – WIN vs Jacksonville Jaguars (8-4)

The late season surge / easy schedule continues with homecomings of sort with ex-Bills coach Mike Mularky bringing ex-Bills Lee Evans and Paul Posluszney back to Buffalo. If Blaine Gabbert is their QB though, the Jaguars may be well out of contention already.

Week 14 – WIN vs St. Louis Rams (9-4)

The loss of their defensive coordinator Gregg Williams for the season is going to hurt their team more than people think and they’ll be another bottom of the barrel team this season, even if Sam Bradford somehow stays healthy for a full season which hasn’t happened yet.

Week 15 – LOSS vs Seattle Seahawks (9-5) **In Toronto**

Marshawn Lynch’s “return to Buffalo” gets spoiled by not being in Buffalo at all. Buffalo is 1-3 in Toronto games all-time and after winning four straight against “lesser” opponents they’re due for a let down game.

Week 16 – LOSS at Miami Dolphins (9-6)

Miami has been a spoiler down the stretch before and, last year’s sweep of Buffalo aside, have notoriously split the season series.

Week 17 – WIN vs New York Jets (10-6)

This may be the most important game for the Bills in over a decade as they could be fighting with the Jets for a wild card playoff spot and the winner could clinch. Home, in front of a crowd eager to see the Bills end their playoff drought, this one will be big.

 

I will do full season predictions post-draft and closer to season.

Category: Articles |
February 25, 2012
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Waiting for Lunch

We arrive at P.F. Chang’s for a work lunch. We get seated easily and I order my usual, sesame chicken and lo mein. I’m starving and I can’t wait to eat it.

We wait.

We keep waiting.

People who have been seated after us have been served and left by now. We ask several times and they say it is almost prepared.

Eventually, three hours has passed. It’s 4 o’clock and we still haven’t got our food. I decide to get up and find someone.

I find a manager looking person and explain the situation, they go to the back of the kitchen. I notice her looking through the slips of orders and shrug at the cook. She scribbles something down on a piece of paper and walks back to me.

She says, “Here is your bill. But since you didn’t get your food you can come back and pay it another time.”

I said that was a ridiculous compromise. I wasn’t paying because I never got any food. The manager looked very confused and motioned for the bouncer to come over.

A large bouncer came over and grabbed my throat and pushed me into the kitchen, he said that I should accept the compromise and to not tell anyone what happened here.

I managed to somehow wiggle free and call 911 while out in the lobby, feeling safer surrounded by the public.

However, the 911 operator was actually a teenage boy and girl who offered shock and empathy for the situation but said they couldn’t help with my “attempted assault” accusation.

At this point the entire staff started to come at me and shout that if I filed charges and sued the company they would all lose their jobs. Their shouting became more and more aggressive as they kept verbally pushing me out the door.

Once I got outside I noticed my car had been flipped over and the staff was not ending their pursuit. I turned and ran down the plaza, and had made it at least a mile or so.

As I turned a corner I almost ran directly into the waiter, I recognized as our original. He had a fancy silver covered serving plate and opened it up.

“Sir, I’ve been looking for you everywhere! Here is your food.”

And then I woke up.

Category: Dreams |
February 4, 2012
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Varsity Shovel

A team of us show up at a rival school, there are five of us. We’re holding an assortment of wrenches and hammers. I’m holding a shovel.

It’s soon realized that this is a varsity matchup and I’m the only one left and we’re tied. If I win, our team wins. There is however a disagreement over the rules between the coaches and our coach tells us to get back into our van so we can leave.

We walk confidently and defiantly to our van and all climb inside. Our coach counts to five and then we get out and walk back into the abandoned building, the arena for this event.

Our short but quick acting threat to leave convinces the other coach to give in and it’s time for my matchup. I walk out onto the empty dirt with my opponent, an average looking high schooler. He has fear in his eyes. Fear of letting his team down, fear of failure, fear of rejection. I can’t tell but I suspect my eyes give away the same story.

The referee positions himself in between us and gets ready to blow the whistle to begin. Both teams stand around us and shout words of encouragement. I can’t hear them. I’m focused. I’m in the zone.

The whistle blows and I hoist the shovel up and begin to balance it on my palm, blade down. It’s tricky and wants to topple forward, I’m forced to run forward and extend my arm to keep it from toppling, I try and find the perfect equilibrium to maintain it on my palm. I can’t tell how my opponent is being successful, I simply stare at the wooden handle and try to anticipate it’s next attack against me.

Some uneven ground causes me to misstep and the shovel begins to fall, I get down on my knees to try and get the best angle to bring it back up to life.

I wake up.

I don’t know if the shovel hit the ground or if my opponent’s may have hit first but I felt an overwhelming urge to perform for my team, my school, my city. Everything was on my shoulders. I know I saved that shovel. I know I won that event.

I am the team’s varsity shovel balancer and I would never let them down.

Category: Dreams |
February 4, 2012
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The SpeedCoaster

It was the most unique stadium I had ever seen. It had to sit well over 100,000 and maybe even double that. The NFL was having it’s Pro Bowl in Dubai and around the greenest grass field ever, was a moat with various walks ways and bridges extending over it to get to the players.

The water surrounding the field allowed the temperature to be controlled inside the stadium, some new technology of bottling the evaporation water droplets within a wind dome. I didn’t understand it but it felt like a comfortable 70 degrees from my seats.

During half-time there were murmurs going around that a big announcement was coming but nobody knew what until out of the sky a large boat appeared and slowly glided down into the moat. On the side it read “The SpeedCoaster”.

Over the loud speakers played an announcement, I recognized the voice as Richard Branson, the owner of Virgin, who said “Look at your future. The SpeedCoaster is the new way to travel and will open the world up for all!”

A hush fell over the crowd and my mom began to yell that it was a waste of tax dollars and a flying boat was a sham. At that moment, the boat began to rise into the air and shooted away leaving behind rings that it had broken the sound barrier. My mom stood there silent for a moment and said, “Shit, well nevermind.”

I sat there in complete disbelief trying to take in what I had just witnessed. A moment that would be remembered throughout history, a bullet point in human existence as a turning point.

There was no way the second half of the Pro Bowl would measure up to that, so we left.

Category: Dreams |
February 1, 2012
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Political Rah Rah Rah

When I hear impassioned pleas about the state of our country it simultaneously makes me happy and sad. I love the intensity and heartfelt words to try and spark change but I see no real solutions in anything I read.

A person is smart, determined and excited about their personal beliefs. People, however, are lazy and easily distracted. People need to be told what to do, what to say and be presented a step by step plan of how to accomplish something.

Telling people to “stand together” and “look inside your soul and heart” is great, but when you’re done with that nothing has changed. There needs to be a tangible plan of action, not just empty motivational half-time speeches.

I think that is the biggest problem with the government during campaign season.

Category: Ramblings |
January 29, 2012
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Snapping Sticks is Satisfying

There is a huge patch of thorns, vines and brush in the middle of my backyard. I was told when I bought the place it had been attempted to be cleared multiple times by varying methods but all with the same lack of success.

Remy has found herself enthralled with jumping in it and digging herself into a tangled mess ultimately ending in either me having to trek up to set her free or slipping out of her collar and jumping around naked in the neighbor’s yard.

So feeling relatively productive I went up with a shovel and wood clipper and began tearing into it. Obviously it’s not going to solve the total issue since I’m not tearing out roots but I cleared out about a fourth of it so there is some level of progress.

Tons of thorny bushes but did find some decent fire wood for our first porch fire in about four months.

The neighbor looked outside and started to walk towards me, I assume to discuss Remy’s “presents” she left over the winter all over the yard. As soon as she went inside I ran down to clean them all up (as I intended to anyway) so if the cops showed up again about it it’d be another non-issue.

Speaking of neighbors, I talked to Priscilla for the first time in months. She was checking her mail while I was emptying my trunk. She wasn’t going to say anything but I said hello. She said how she throws treats for Remy and wasn’t sure if she was getting them. I’ve seen her with a couple and it seems harmless but another part of me worries that she shouldn’t be eating treats from “strangers” without me seeing it first.

More house happenings, Ashley and I went looking for a new living room rug yesterday. There were tons of styles and looks but none of them really appealed to me. I don’t think I really know what I want. The only rug in the house we have is a white one which is now a collection of stains from Remy’s training and accidental spills. Pretty much why I want it replaced. I guess I’ll know it when I see it.

In the mean time, I’ve ordered some prints of pictures to finally fill up my frames and put some on the wall. Thank goodness for Facebook where I can collect pictures. I guess if it didn’t exist I’d find a different host but it’s quick and easy to get pictures of family members. I definitely want to get some higher quality pictures this summer at our parties with my real camera instead of my phone.

I need to start planning for my landscaping project for the summer… but for now, I’m going to eat pizza.

Category: House |
January 25, 2012
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Bring Me All of Your Finest Meats and Cheeses

Online shopping is dangerous. The entire world at your fingertips for a few clicks of a button and, not only do you get just what you asked for, but they deliver it straight to your house! It’s like having a butler. A butler with magic.

I’m a notorious homebody. Once I’m home, I am there and I tend to love it. Going out to do errands are usually only worth it if I am accompanied by someone to make it a social event or if I have multiple things to accomplish during a single trip. So anytime I am able to do something online from my couch and pat myself on the back for a productive day while also eating chocolate covered in peanut butter is a successful day.

I just bought new windshield wipers this past week. Sure, I could’ve gone down to the store and picked them out and had them immediately but it wasn’t a necessity at that moment and I didn’t have to park, get out of my car, find them in the store, etc. I knew what I needed, click, click, and they’re on their way.

Taking this further, I wonder how much more I could accomplish. I still enjoy grocery shopping but could I order all my food online and have it delivered to me? I’m sure I could. Would it cost me the same amount? Common sense would say no, it would obviously cost more online but how can you be sure? Perhaps a few items wouldn’t. Maybe I should do some research.

For now I got my eye on a new wireless keyboard and mouse.

Category: Ramblings |
January 21, 2012
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Joe Paterno

Believe deep down in your heart that you’re destined to do great things.

I have a Penn State degree but I have only visited State College twice. I attended a branch campus, close to home, and I’ve never been a die hard Nittany Lions sports fan until after I graduated.

Ever since the scandal of this past year my pride and school loyalty has exploded as I defend my institute against anger, misinformation, confusion and hate.

One thing has remained though, my respect for Joe “JoePa” Paterno. It might be true that the alumni and students have a cult level type respect for the man but he has been the face of the school for longer than Orville was the face of popcorn.

And it’s rightfully earned.

The previous 99% of his life was, to public knowledge, honorable and bursting with positivism to the world. Anyone who will remember Paterno for the past year in a negative way probably wouldn’t have remembered him after he passed anyway.

He was a hell of a man who left the world better than he found it and that is one hell of a legacy.

Rest in Peace JoePa. Thank you.

Category: Articles |
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